I can’t give my partner a baby

Welcome visitor from to Getpregnantblog.com .

So the first brown spot of my period appeared today, followed closely by an emotional meltdown. I cried so hard, my head still hurts three hours later. Two days shy of my 36th birthday – the positive pregnancy test was going to be my birthday gift to myself and instead I got my period. 

And for the first time I feel like my fiancé was disappointed too. Previously I always just got the impression that he was sad for me – sad that I was hurting cause I did not conceive again. But this time, I feel like he wanted it too. And it finally hit me, what if I can’t give him an offspring? He is the last of his line – what if I can’t give him the child to carry on his name? It causes an ache in my soul to think that I will be depriving him of the chance to be a father.

I know he will be a great dad – he is so sweet and loving and caring with our housedogs. He is so tender – he has been talking about things for the baby – not a lot, but just little thoughtful things, like how we can rock the baby in the swing. I can so see him holding our baby and walking her and singing her to sleep and swinging her into the air and entertaining her…kissing her tiny little tummy. He is ripe for fatherhood and so ready. There was a time when I knew he was not ready, but even then he loved me enough to want it for me. Now I think he wants it for us – and he is beginning to want it for him.

So in addition to being disappointed for myself, I now have to know that I am disappointing him. I am failing him. I am failing our family. The one we don’t have. A whole year he and I have been officially actively been trying and two years before that that we were not avoiding and leaving things to fate. I was secretly hoping all that time. I knew it was wrong to hope but I hoped. Then I just wanted a child; I just wanted to be a mommy. Now I want his baby. I want a little piece of him. I want a little combination of us to be a testimony to our union. I want the joy of our own little munchkin.

Related Topics

Posted in Fertility | |   | No Comments »

This entry was posted on Saturday, November 4th, 2006 at 5:17 pm and is filed under Fertility . You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.