I know this child already
to Getpregnantblog.com 
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It causes an ache in my heart to think about this baby that I already feel I know even though she exists right now only in my heart. I want to scream to the gods, please please bless us. I want to beg and grovel and bargain – anything I would trade to get pregnant with this little angel. But I know from years of experience that it does no good. So many prayers I have said. So many tears I have cried. So many bargains forged. So many promises made. But still I remain barren, childless; my womb empty and yearning like a black abyss. I fear cancer, and hysterectomies. I fear termination even of my fruitless hopes. My soul aches for this child. My arms ache to hold her and feed her and love her. Oh the pain of this void.
Sometimes I think I am insane cause I can hear my little baby laugh with glee. I can feel her smiles and her tears. I can almost see her. I know it’s all in my mind. Every image I imagine of my fiancé cradling her in his arms, showing her the birds and the sky and the clouds. Taking pleasure in our little creation. I can’t wait to show her the world – introduce her to our doggies.
I see my mother with her. And her other grandparents – oh, how they will adore her. Both on early retirement – their days full now with their friends and their apartment building responsibilities, but empty compared to how full their hearts will be when this baby finally comes. But what if she never comes? I get a pain right in my chest every time I think that.
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1 Comment »
December 5th, 2007 at 10:23 pm
hello,
Oh, I know and understand your pain. I have thought all your thoughts. i am also trying to have at least one child on my own and have had at least 3 miscarriages. I dont understand why so many people who dont even want or value children end up having them-and often abusing them etc…while smart, kind, non smoking, non drinking me cant do this basic act.
I dont know what you’ve tried but have you used natural progesterone cream? i am using it and am now 6 weeks pregnant(touch wood). I have also been taking false unicon root tablets everyday as well as vitex(agnus castus). I had found the subject just too painful and have been trying to see a positive future for myself with or without children (yet like you I can feel and see my child so clearly, so close and real) But with my 39th bd looming I decided to act. Well, we had sex one day in Nov and I was sure another period was on its way. But then I was 4 days late, tested and got a positive result. I am torn between joy and the fear of another dissappointment. I have had a few times when my boobs became really sore and heavy before a period. this time they were like that on day20 but became less so-so I was braced for another period.
I am not a doctor but now think that the sore boobs are a sign of too much oestrogen and the progesterone cream was reducing the pain and puffiness.
Anyway to sum it up-what worked for me was 1. noticing fertile mucus 2. using robbitussen the day before and on the day(which was day 14 for me) 3. using natural progesterone cream from day 17 (you have to wait till youre sure you’ve ovulated-or it can stop this happening) 4. taking a false unicorn and a vitex tablet every day from day 1-and I plan on continuing into the second semester.
Oh, and one IMPORTANT thing-dont suddenly stop taking anything once you even suspect you are pregnant. If you really want to cut something out reduce your dose very gradually. I curse myself still about my last m/c. I was taking vitex and prog. cream but read some scare mongering(not based on any studies) and stopped. I felt really out of wack hormonally at that point -and m/c’d a week later. I should have trusted my instincts and my body. what was really hard was seeing the tiny heartbeat on ultrasound but being told there was something wrong and that a m/c was already starting.
Anyway, i wish you much luck and magic and hope the pain ends soon
xxx