Why am I being punished for being good?
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Sometimes, I really dislike myself. I don’t have a right to be angry at other people for getting pregnant. I don’t have a right to decide who deserves to be pregnant. Sometimes I feel so confused. Right now, I feel so betrayed. I have not always done the right thing in my life. But I was never mean or evil or greedy. I was always kinds and loving and caring.
As a kid, I was forever bringing home stray animals because I felt sorry for them. Heck, one of my dogs lives with me cause I could not bear how the neighbour mistreated her. So I asked for her. In my heart of hearts, I know that I am a good person. But I have done some wrong things.
But over the last five years I have been turning my life around. I have been constantly striving always to do the right thing – every day without fail. I have struggled to be a better and better person. Always helping others, volunteering, caring. I have been honest – which was one of my big challenges.
I have struggled and succeeded in changing my life. I have held the belief that these changes will be pay dividends. I will see the consequences of being a good person. But instead, after almost five years I am still struggling to become pregnant. And other people, so much less deserving of such a beautiful blessing are being rewarded for their evil ways. How is this possible? HOW?
I feel so betrayed by God. Why wont he allow me to get pregnant?
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