Yet another period

Welcome visitor from to Getpregnantblog.com .

Not pregnant. Again.

I sit here writing this at six in the morning. Hubby is still sleeping soundly. I promised myself that I would not stress about being pregnant. But stressing I am. My period showed on Sunday – bright red and obviously gleeful to be here. For the past three nights I have had difficulty staying awake and then difficulty staying asleep. I fall asleep at eight and wake every hour on the hour from midnight. My thoughts are anxious and worrying. I worry about things at work, projects due for school, the upcoming wedding and of course the baby and my apparent inability to get pregnant.

For five years I have been obsessed with this baby. Eagerly awaited its arrival. Eagerly awaited those two lines on a pregnancy test. I hardly ever get a chance to take a pregnancy test because my period is hardly ever late. I feel sort of like I have wasted my time and energy on this ‘project’. I try to stay positive and not think thoughts like “what if I never get pregnant?”. Just the thought of it terrifies. So as hubby would say – why think it?

I need to keep a strict control of my thoughts. I am trying so hard to be positive. I believe in intention manifestation and the law of attraction on some intellectual level. I believe that perhaps I have attracted this barren situation into my life. And thus I believe that I can attracted fertility as well. At least I believe it intellectually. I have spent so many years being infertile it is hard to imagine myself pregnant.

Sometimes I can see our baby so clearly, but I have such difficulty with imagining myself getting a positive pregnancy test. Every month when my period is due, I feel almost delusional if I try to convince myself that this month there will be no period only a positive pregnancy test.

I try so hard to be hopeful, but some days I just feel so hopeless. Depressed and lost.

“If you are going through hell, just keep going.” – Winston Churchill.

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Period here.

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This entry was posted on Thursday, March 1st, 2007 at 10:37 am and is filed under Fertility . You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.