Missing out on children

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There is a part of me that wants to give up on getting pregnant. I feel different lately. I feel deprived. And not just of a baby. But of a child. I am missing out on entire experiences of being a mother. Of sharing my life with a child. I am old enough to have a teenaged child. There is room in my life for this child, even with all the other things going on, there is always room for a child. And yet I cant have it. How can I miss something that was never mines? How can there be a void if nothing was ever there?

Weirdly, I cant seem to bring myself to explain this to hubby. We talk about everything and certainly he feels the brunt of most of my feelings about not being able to get pregnant. He knows how much it would mean to me to be pregnant. But I cant seem to bring myself to explain to him that it has gone beyond wanting a baby to care for. It is now wanting our child to share our lives. To learn about this child. To find out what she thinks, what are her skills and talents. Just to spend time with her, enjoying her.

This all sounds delusional on some level. Perhaps trying to get pregnant has finally sent me crazy. God knows it could. I saw a woman yesterday struggling to cope with five daughters all under the age of twelve. They were clearly of little means. And she was on her own. I thought about that. I wondered how it is this woman could get pregnant at least five times when I could not get pregnant more than once. How could she be given five children when I am given none? How is it that I who am financially able and emotionally ready to care for a child, in a relationship with a loving man who will be a great and supportive father…how is it that I am not granted the pleasure and the privilege of offspring, but she is?

Is there order to the world? Is there a God? Or is it all just random? Is it the principle of karma? Did I do something in a previous life that i am now paying for? This journey of trying to get pregnant has made me question all my beliefs. It has made question my view of the world and my relationship to it. Perhaps then this is the reason that I have been made to struggle with fertility. So that I could revamp my world view and belief system. The problem is that now that I have thrown out the old, there is nothing left there.

“For better or worse, our future will be determined in large part by our dreams and by the struggle to make them real.”

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This entry was posted on Friday, March 16th, 2007 at 9:58 am and is filed under Fertility . You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.