Still wishing that I am pregnant
to Getpregnantblog.com 
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The thing I hate about a period like this is that I start to wonder. After all so far its just been a spot here and a spot there. No real flow. And that is very unusual for me. I always get a spot in the morning followed by real flow by night. This is not my usual pattern. And of course that makes me hope and wish and wonder although I know I should not. I know many women who have been pregnant but still had a period that first month. My best friend’s wife found out she was pregnant when she went to the doctor to find out why she was not getting pregnant. And she had had a period that month – a light one, but still a period nonetheless. I am just having spots, so technically I know that I could still be pregnant right?
But the truly sad part is that I know that I am not. Because it is dawning on me that I will never be pregnant. It is dawning on me that that gift and privilege is nothing something that I was ever destined to be blessed with. So in my heart I know that I am not because it is not allowed. So no matter, that technically I know that I could be. No matter that my breasts still feel large and they still hurt, I know that it is not a sign of pregnancy because somehow me being pregnant would offend the universe so it cant be allowed to happen.
And the realisation that is so is more painful than anything else. Because it takes away my hopes and dreams to one day be a mother to my own little one. Because it confirms my fear that God does not want me to be a mother and so will not grant me this. How can I know this in my heart so strongly? Perhaps I have gone insane after all, but I know it. So no matter what the signs might seem to allow, I know that I am not pregnant and soon the full flow will come on. It is so depressing.
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1 Comment »
January 9th, 2009 at 10:36 pm
i just read what you said and im sorry and i know how you feel . me and mine husband of 10 years been trying to have a other baby we have 2 kids been trying for a girl over 1 going on 2 years as of now and i seen fertility and tell me it might be mine weight or it just might be me and all it hard mine period been out of crontrol for a long time it never one time im over due now for a period i hate doing any pregents test because i told like it tell me im not and make me cry and sad but now i see brown spots and some red here im thinking maybe it period but it dont last long but i want to do a test but then i dont im scared it will tell me no i want to be a mom again i see all this baby stuff and i want to buy and i know it will not happend it just might be me who know it sucks i cant get there and stress but i will never know if it will happend i hope to hear from you maybe we can chat sometime