Letting go and allowing conception to happen
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~ Faith is not belief without proof, but trust without reservation. ~
So today I made a decision. I had my acupuncture appointment and my acupuncturist who is just wonderful, commented that I need to relax and be flexible and not try to control everything. And it totally amazed me that in just a few sessions she had figured what has been the biggest challenge in my life – control and impatience.
I have always sought to control life – not just when events happen but how they happen. And my efforts at control have not only made me stressed, anxious and depressed but have all ended in disaster in the long run. Whenever I have just had my goal and started working towards it, and let the rest sort itself out, it has worked out wonderfully. And every single thing has fallen smoothly and unfathomably into place to ensure the success of my goal. In other words, in those instances where I did not try to control everything life has worked out beautifully.
Well for some years now I have been consistently working on relaxing and relinquishing the need for such extreme control. And I have been successful in two significant areas – romantically and professionally. I have succesfully changed to a career I totally loved without really knowing how I was going to make it happen. I just started the first step of re-educating myself with the confidence that the other steps would present themselves and the opportunities to make it happen would also appear.
And almost miraculously it has.  At every single juncture. I am now successfully re-educated with a Masters degree in my chosen field and a new job just started. I love my new field even more than I imagined. And I got it all by just having faith that it would all work out. I got it all by having no idea what the details of the plan were, by leaving it up to destiny and not giving in to my compulsion to control it all. And my romantic life has followed a similar path.
Here now, I am faced with the fact that I need to relinquish this deep need to control in my quest to become a mother. My goal is clear – to have babies and to have a family with my dear husband – children of our genes. And I have tried to control that every single step of the way, right down to willing those sperms to fertilise the egg. All to no avail. It is not coincidental that the month that I conceived I had just left it all up to God. I had gotten my treatment yes, but I had not obsessed about it at all. And yes, it happened.
Here too, I am faced with the fact that, as my acupuncturist put it, I am not allowing conception to take place. I am trying to control every single aspect of conceiving and in the process, I am too tense and too anxious and I am actually indirectly closing off my body from new life.
So finally, I have made the decision to leave it to God. To put it into his hands and trust his plan for me. Recently, through no doing of my own, my faith was renewed. I am not religious but I am spiritual and I realised that God has a plan for me. He has a perfect time for us to be pregnant and to have our babies. And my plan, no matter how much I want to control how and when, cannot be better than his.
So I am making a decision not to be so obsessive. To just put my goal to be pregnant and to have beautiful healthy babies to God and leave the how and the when to him. To be open to conception and new life. To just be. To let go and let God. I will continue to accept the opportunities he presents to me and take the paths that open up – like using traditional chinese medicine – to help prepare my body for when the time is perfect for our babies to come meet us. But I am leaving it all to God to sort out the details. And that is such a relief for me.
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