The irrational emotional roller coaster of trying to have a baby

Welcome visitor from to Getpregnantblog.com .

I have been trying to have a baby for over seven years now and the insanity and mercurial nature of the emotions that accompany this journey never cease to surprise me. Over the last cycle, I was on vacation with the Dear Husband. We totally relaxed for the first time in years. We had alot of sun, sea, sand, good food, and nary a care in the world. We made love like two people who love each other and not two people who are desperately trying to get the timing right within the window of fertility (like we usually do). It was lovely, romantic and carefree. Trying to conceive was absolutely the last thing on our minds. So much so, that I was surprised that a month had gone by when I saw the spot that heralded my period.

If you have been trying to conceive you know that you become so in tune to your body and the one date you know better than any other is when your period is due, because that is the date that you are hoping it does not come so that you get to take a home pregnancy test and get the wonderful joyous news that yes, you are pregnant this cycle! So for me to forget when that was supposed to be was telling indeed as to how very relaxed I was.

So then how do you explain the pure and total rage that encompassed me at the end of CD1 (the first day of my period)? I was mildly disappointed to see the arrival of my period but not the pure devastation that has accompanied some cycles. I actually felt a little philosophical about it and had already started looking forward to the next cycle. So how did I manage to do a complete about-face from this calm to pure rage? I really do not know. For the first time I really believe it was the hormones responsible.

I was so angry – and the mad thing was that I did not know what or who I was angry at. The Dear Husband was close at hand and a likely target so I blamed it on some silly innocent thing he said and for two days I proceeded to brutalise him with my anger. But this anger knew no bounds – it was so all encompassing and irrational that I actually felt that the only way to escape it was suicide. I literally felt suicidal. I felt like my life would never return to normal. It was the most horrifying, terrifying, and frightening 48 hours of my life.

Finally, this morning I decided to exercise it out of my system or die trying. So I hit that treadmill and ran at speeds that I was sure would result in cardiac arrest. And at the end a very intense sweat, I sat myself down in front my laptop and read the sweet caring words of my online friends who are also trying to have a baby, and finally, broke down into a mess of tears. All the anger just dissolved totally into a river of tears – gone as quickly and inexplicably as it had come.

I felt mad. Truly insane. As if a complete stranger had inhabited my body. Talk about Dr. Jekyll and Mrs. Hyde. I finally feel back to my old self again. I salvaged my sanity and my marriage and can only thank God for protecting me and the Dear Husband during that mad time. Trying to have a baby wreaks havoc not just on your body but also on your mind and on your emotions. It is a crazzzzzy ride but it will all be worth it when the Dear Husband and I finally hold our babies in our arms.

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This entry was posted on Tuesday, July 14th, 2009 at 6:41 pm and is filed under Fertility . You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.