moving on to IVF
to Getpregnantblog.com 
.
To be honest, I feel so jealous of my 14 year old pregnant neighbour. Today is her baby shower and she looks so pretty in her pregnant dress. I wonder what it would be like to feel pregnant and have a baby growing in me and here this little girl gets to experience it. Oh, I know she is too young to handle this and I feel sad for what this pregnancy will do to her life. And I feel the injustice of it that it would have been so much better for her and for me if I had been the pregnant one. I feel truly flawed and defective as a woman to not be able to do this basic thing. I look in the mirror and I see wrinkles and gray hair and I feel old. And sad.
This is not the life I had planned either.
Somehow I really believed it would have happened by now. 39 and no baby. Great job. Great husband. Great home. Financially we are struggling a bit but only because we are trying to get a business off the ground and I know that will get easier. But I try to adjust my identity to that of a woman who never has children, who remains childless and I find that I can’t. As much as I try to accept God’s will and believe that He must know what is best and do what is best for us all, I can’t see my husband and I as a couple without children.
I want them so badly. I have so much love to give. I dont have any children in my life – I am not close to my nephews who are both teens. And I drifted away from each of my friends as they had their babies. They moved into some elite new social group that childless me cannot penetrate. Most women my age have teenaged children. And here I am begging to just have one little teeny tiny baby.
We are moving onto IVF in April or May. It will be our one and only shot because the cost is so prohibitive. And we have agreed that after that IVF we will be done trying to conceive regardless of the outcome. It saddens me to give this up but I spent my entire 30′s focussed on this. It has consumed my life. My dear husband says that we need to focus on something else and I agree but for the life of me I cant imagine what else there is in life besides having a family.
My mind and my heart still believe that this is going to happen and this is the year that we are going to finally become pregnant and by next year we will have our baby. And I hold fast to that belief. And try to trust in Jesus.
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2 Comments »
May 24th, 2010 at 5:51 pm
Hi,
thanks for the blogs, I can completely feel what you are writing and going through, although my situation is a bit different from yours. I’m 31 and we have only been trying to get pregnant for a year. After 3 months we were pregnant, and the joy was just undescribable. But 3 days after the positive test it went already wrong, I had to be taken to hospital with a suspected ectopic pregnancy. It was never 100% sure, but the pregnancy ended there. Ever since we have been trying again, with no success and I also feel utterly low and beaten when I have my period again, after doing all we can every cycle. I have been tested on blocked tubes and they seemed fine, my partner has normal semen, so it should just happen by itself. ALL my friends were pregnant within a few months, most in the first month of trying and they all have babies now or a huge bump. Whenever I go out, I see babies and children; at the markets, shops, down the street.. I feel like you sometimes: why do even the simplest souls get pregnant so easy and we, who want it so much, not so far? I started of very positive and confident but every month that goes by seems to take some of it. Those pregnant friends of course tell me that I should just relax and not think about it (???!!! how do you do that?) and trust that it will happen (how do they know?). I am borderlining between tears and feeling powerless and optimistic and hoping it will happen next month. It does make me feel less of a ‘real woman’I have to admit, althogh I kn ow how silly this sounds and how untrue it is of course, morally. But there is a difference between argumentating intellectually and feeling deep down. We also though that if we would ever miss our contraception, we would fall pregnant accidentally, and it is difficult to come to terms with the fact that we actually aren’t.
Hope you have good news soon, I am thinking of you and can imagine you are feeling the strains much more than me, as you are older and trying longer.
May 24th, 2010 at 5:57 pm
Besides, something else; in assume you are living in the United States? Here in Europe most health insurance covers up to 5 IVF cycles, and I find it truelly terrible that you and your DH are bound to this one, due to financial costs. It might sound freaky, but there are some really good and progressive ivf clinics in Europa, Italy for instance, that will do ivf up to late age and I believe for less money than in the US. I can only compare specialist costs in France with the US, and my American friends have to pay several hundreds of dollars for a consultation with a dermatologist for instance, whereas I have to pay only 46 euro here for that same consultation. All other costs are much less, and the doctors are really good here in France and in the most of Europe actually…
Hope you don’t take this as unasked and unwanted advice, it’s just an idea I had when reading your post. If you ever consider it, my DH and I run a great gite and you can stay at our costs, if needed.
Best of wishes